I had an argument with my parents last Saturday and went to stay over at The Boyfriend's place for 5 days. I came back home on Thursday. It was really nice, to be able to spend time with him like that. To be able to watch a movie together every night before going to sleep, to have intimate conversations, to shower together (washing eachother's backs, of course) and various other activities. It's a bit hard to be back at home, but I'm managing somehow.

It's hard for me here. It's a hostile environment. I'm just trying to somehow make things right and get along with everyone until I'm no longer financially/otherwise dependent on my parents.

It's Friday, and I have absolutely nothing to do. I could call The Boyfriend, but he's (theoretically) studying for some approaching exam. Of course, he'll probably go out with friends in the evening, because he believes in going out on Friday nights even when he should be studying. Friday nights are sacred, apparently. But, for some reason, if I were to suggest that we go out tonight, he'd quickly tell me that he can't, because he has to study. It's like he's too busy to spend time with me, but he makes time for his friends.

I don't have anyone else I could really enjoy spending time with, since I don't actually have real friends. I don't have any money, so I can't go out. My only option, it would seem, is to stay at home by myself, stuffing my face with food I shouldn't be eating and reading books, while NN is out, having fun without me.

I wish so badly that I could move people with my writing. Even if it's just my livejournal, I wish that I could write in such a way that people would love reading it and look forward to reading the things that I write. I know that my journal is hopelessly mundane. No doubt a good writer would be able to write about my life in an engaging fashion, but I just can't, apparently.

I have an urge to create, as far as writing is concerned. I feel a need to write and be read by people, to give them something from myself, whether it's light entertainment or something deeper.

The actual show/ceremony was so-so, but I did feel a bit sad during it. It's not like I particularly enjoyed being in high school. Most of the subjects I learned didn't interest me and I didn't really have any true friendships. I'm glad that I'm done with the whole 12 years of school thing. You know, until university, anyway. This takes me one step closer to being independent. Which is good, I guess.

I guess that there's a certain sadness associated with finishing a stage of your life. Even though there were many things I didn't like about my life in school, there were good things too, things that are now over along with the bad. School gave me a framework for my day, one that I'm used to and will never live with again. Sure, there's university, but that's an entirely different framework.

Part of the sadness is the feeling that I have nothing to show for the time I spent in school. I'll have some pretty little grades, but I won't have one friend to show for all this time. I have NN, sure, but there's no one else who I like enough, or who likes me enough, to want to bother staying in touch with now that school's out.

I used to think that BB was a true friend, someone with whom I would stay in contact for life, but both of us have changed and I can't honestly say that I like her anymore. Part of that may be jealously and/or insecurity - she makes me feel uglier, stupider, shorter and fatter than her.

I'm not the type of person who can have a meaningful relationship of whatever sort with someone who feels that they're superior to me. I don't really believe in the idea of people being "better" than others, they're just.. Different. For example, I may be more intelligent than most people, but they may have better social skills, or be really good artists, or what have you. I may not get along with many people who I perceive to be considerably less intelligent than me, but that would be more because I feel that we have little common ground, rather than because I feel that they're inferior.

I've abandoned this for a long time, but I think I'd like to come back to it. It's a problem with something like this, that is anonymous and yet so public. On one hand I want to pour out my soul here and write about the things that I can't discuss with anyone; on the other, I'm always having to censor myself, write people's names in codes and (trying to) avoid mentioning any details or names that could possibly connect this journal with my person. I'm scared to even talk about which country I live in, not that most people I know would be using this site, as far as I know, since English isn't the first language around here. Yes, I could make it a private journal, but I do sort of like the idea that other people can read what I write (not that they would want to, but hypothetically speaking).

I'm not going to try to make up for lost time and write about everything that I've been through since I last wrote here, but I'll try to give some basics, so as to make sense (sort of).

I'm still with NN, we've been through some rocky times but are still together. We've been some-sort of-together for something like 7 months now, all told. I was about to go on The Pill, I had made a gyno appointment for yesterday, but ended up canceling it because, apparently, we're going through a rocky period again. He's expressing doubts about this relationship again. So, obviously, it's back to condoms, since I'm not going to go to the bother and expense of being on The Pill if this relationship could potentially end at any time. I think we should get through this, but I'm not particularly impressed by his behavior lately. To put it lightly. I'm starting to see this relationship more as something to do in order to keep the loneliness at bay until I find someone more suited to me. It sounds terribly cynical, but I do care about him, it just doesn't seem that this will work as a long term thing. I almost regret giving my virginity to him, but I guess it's not that big a deal. Eh.

About six weeks ago I got sick of being a fatty and made a commitment to lose weight. At 160 cm (5'2"), 64.6 kg (142.4 lbs) and size 44 (12 american), I wasn't happy with the way I looked, I wasn't happy that I couldn't buy clothes at "normal" teenager clothing stores, and I was unhappy with the way I looked in general. Since then I've lost 8 kilos (around 20 lbs) This morning I weighed in at 56.6 kg (124.8 lbs). I've lost 3.5 inches of waist and 4 inches of hips. I'm now a size 38 (8 american). The original plan was to get down to 52 kg (114.6 lbs), but I might decide to lose a bit more than that, we'll see. I might carry on a bit about my weight and weight loss here, because this is something that is very much on my mind right now. I'm not anorexic, I'm just trying to get down to a more ideal weight.

I think that's about it for now. I should go study, I have my final exam in math tomorrow.

To conclude, some pics of food that I can't eat, but enjoy looking at. I hope inserting images of fattening food isn't too weird.

You want to see me suffering for you? Here. Are you happy now? Do you feel better?

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The sad thing is, I can see both sides all too well.

As far as he's concerned, I say nasty things to him that offend him terribly (even if these aren't things that, if the positions were reversed, I would find offensive). I lash out at him. He's hurt by me, so he backs off. He's not trying to prove anything, teach me a lesson or "train" me. As much as it may seem that way to me, he's just not the type of person who does that sort of thing.

The way I see it, I am, by nature, somewhat.. hard to take. I can be bitter and cynical. I lash out. I'm not quite emotionally stable. I can control my toungue (most of the time) to the extent that I try to avoid offending whoever I'm talking to.

The problem is, with him, it's hard to know. Something that I would find terribly offensive he can take in stride; something that I wouldn't mind being said to me has the potential to wound him deeply.

I love him. I haven't held anything back.

---

When you're in love and everything is going well, the letting go, the trust, is exhilarating. When you fight, you suddenly realise just how vulnerable you've made yourself to the other person.

"I never want to feel pain like this again".

Even if things work out eventually, you've withdrawn yourself, to some extent. With the newfound awareness of just how deeply the other person can hurt you, if so they choose, it'll never be quite the same again.

---

Before we were ever together, NN and I fought quite frequently. I'm not saying that I expected all of our differences to suddenly go away once we were in a relationship, but I guess I (foolishly optimistically) thought that we would be able to work through our problems, rather than the whole cold-shoulder bit.

I wish I could cry. Maybe then I'd feel better.

If he's still giving me the cold shoulder tomorrow, I'm going to have to consider dumping him. Sadly, even if I were to dump him, I'm so weak that I would beg for him to come back to me. So I suppose I should try to work this out somehow, seeing as I still very much love him. All the same, I'm rather sick of always being the one to patch up arguments. Argh.

I'm in love. Every feeling is more intense - when I'm happy I'm really happy, when I'm sad I'm really sad. I never knew that anything could feel like this. Corny, isn't it?

I worry that nothing this good can last. Either something will go wrong, or we'll get sick of each other. He says that I should stop worrying so much, that I'm overthinking it, and he's probably right, but I'm probably right too.

I'm in a new relationship. I don't really have a lot to say about it at this point. But I'm happy, more or less.

I've been both quite sick and very busy for a long time. Something like three weeks, approaching a month. In terms of being sick, I don't feel like I'm getting better- it's actually gotten worse. I know that I should probably see a doctor, but I'm a bit afraid of doctors in general. Stupid, I know, but I can't help it.

If I'm still sick after Hanukah, I'll go. How's that?

Tomorrow morning, I'm driving off to go do two days of testing for a very elite army unit. This is the second stage; it would seem that somehow I managed to pass the first. I have no idea how, I probably got lucky. Or something is wrong with whatever machine they use to check the first stage tests. Or they got confused between the top ten percent and the bottom ten percent.

I'm really not that smart. It would be nice to think that I am, but I'm really nothing special. Sure, I'm fairly intelligent, but so are a lot of people, and many people are brighter than me.

Still, I really would like to pass these tests. The odds are majorly against me, but still.. It would be nice.